|
 Providence. It’s a word I use frequently to describe to others why bad things happen to “good people” and how Christ works out the will of the Father through the Spirit who indwells every Christian. This last month, however, it’s taken on a new significance in my own life, as I have had to look for the Providential Hand of God working in the midst of one on the lowest points in my own life.
Since January, I have been studying deeply the book of Genesis – namely the lives of Jacob and Joseph – and the providential theme that seems to permeate the patriarchs. The words “meanwhile”, “later”, “then”, “X# of years later” seem to reappear over and over. The author skips over large amounts of time in these men's lives - trying times for certain - seemingly minimizing their experiences in one or just a few words. These phrases captured my attention bringing me to the realization: “God is working on us in our ‘meanwhiles’”. Since the end of March, Jenna & I decided to postpone our wedding until next year to continue to work on ourselves individually while maintaining our engagement. In April, I visited the US for a while and we terminated our relationship – no engagement, no dating. Things just seemed to boil over. But by the end of the month we had reconciled, and reconfirmed our love & relationship with one another, and committed to date again with purpose – the purpose being to prepare ourselves to be the best individuals possible in Christ, and thereby being the best individuals for each other. As I left the US, I left with renewed hope and love after a crushing blow just a few weeks before. But now that I am back in Guatemala, I have really been struggling with being so distant from Jenna. I have more than once been overwhelemed with the realization that there is no end in sight to be near her again. She’s coming to visit in June, but I don’t yet know when or how long because of her work schedule. At the same time everything seems to be going poorly here. My church is divided currently over an issue with the elders and the pastor is resigning because of it. Though I am going out often I have yet to secure a solid friendship here, much less a mentor. I am frustrated with the lack of vision of the people of God here to undertake the work of God. Life is at a low for me, and the Devil has been hammering away at my heart and my head, creating in me every kind of doubt and wild fantasy possible. Even my dreams jar me awake and then my racing thoughts keep me from sleeping the following nights. I’m tired. I beat. And worse of all, even a few fellow believers have beat me down further – certainly the greatest tool of the Enemy against those who are pursuing God’s will. All of this reminds me of the providence of God. Even though I am REALLY beat down, really disheartened, really depressed, really pessimistic, I'm having to remind myself that God is not asleep at the wheel of my life. God is not busy. God is not unaware. God is not being cruel. God is providentially working out His plan for my life, for my good and His glory. Like Joseph, who was sold into slavery by his brothers, then arrested for adultery he didn’t commit and imprisoned for many years, God used him to reach and save many. Ultimately, God elevated him to a position where he was able to restore life to a famished land and renew his relationship with his estranged brothers and brokenhearted father. His words to his brothers in the end are piercing – “You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good”. I can’t tell you why God is allowing me to be encircled by trials, tribulations, temptations and fears right now. I can’t tell you that I know in my heart, in great faith, that every time something happens, it’s for my own good, making me a better person. I can’t tell you that I am stoic in the face of troubles and terrors and doubts. I often have crumbled this month – sent to my knees crying out to God for help and peace. I don’t know why these things are happening to me now, all at once, but one thing I do know! God is kind to the broken-hearted and lifts up the crushed in spirit. I trust Him, because of my past, cry out to Him because of my present, and follow after Him because of my future. He’s working on me, and I hate it quite frankly, but I trust Him. He has proven Himself faithful. I am going to ask you to pray passionately to God on my behalf. Pray for peace; pray for hope; pray for comfort; pray for friendship. Perhaps as you pray you will etch your memory with the providence of God, that when you find yourself in my position, you will remember that God is for you, not against you, and He has ordained the family of God to bear the burdens of the broken-hearted and distressed. Will you please remember me in your prayers? |
